@Brianhopecomedy: Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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@crunchenhancer: My wife told me she "likes it rough." So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll. -how guys understand women
@DrawingShadows: Did you ever think that one day you would be this addicted to reading and writing?
@SteveSuckington: Teacher: did you cheat on your math test? Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
@daemonic3: *buys a bunch of stuff at Costco* Sir, you wanna box for those? "Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?"