Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
You Might Also Like
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
[dog people] here’s my angel Rex! he knows 19 tricks & brings me my slippers every morning!
[cat people] this is Princess Murder who lets me live with her.she pees on everything i love. her interests include screaming & eating bugs. when she asks me to kill for her i will say yes
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
I cannot stop thinking about how the director of Con Air’s previous directing credit was 10 years earlier and it was the music video for Rick Astley’s Never Gonna Give You Up.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
❤️❤️❤️
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
84% of Canadians think the preparations for the American blizzard are “cute”
Oh I can’t, my doctor said I should cut back on people.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
One venti cheeseburger please.
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Him: whatcha doing over there?
Me: playing on my phone
Him: oh yeah? What game?
Me: my favorite game
Him: which one is that?
Me: …Amazon
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently