Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.
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I’m too Shreksy for my shirt
Me checking my bank balance online.
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
Me: *gazes into his eyes*
Him: *sweats*
M *winks*
H: I’m kinda uncomfortable
M: But this is love
H: It’s my job to fill liquor orders, ma’am
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your main strength?
ME: I think it’s pretty obvious
INTERVIEWER: Right… And you made that ninja turtle costume at-
ME: At home. Yes
Siri: Retweet me.
Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Netflix an..holy shit! How’d you get your pants off that fast?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“Fiona, You up?”
-Shrext.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
The Passion of the Christ 2: Jesus in Space
He conquered the sins of the world, but can he conquer the sins of the galaxy?
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
Love is a can of soda. Open it up too fast & it explodes all over you. Take too long, it goes flat. But no matter what you should recycle.
I hate straight weddings because we all have to form a circle and pretend a 4 year old is a better dancer than me.
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!