like people say things like ‘tuna fish’ but not ‘duck bird’ or ‘dad father’
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
I’m opening an Italian restaurant for Alphas called “Testosteroni.” Who want to get in on the ground floor?
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
What it said: May cause headache, fatigue, flatulence, weight loss, baldness, and even death.
What I heard: Weight loss.
*doubles dosage*
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
I’m going to become more attractive or more delusional, I haven’t decided yet.
SCIENTIST: You are my finest creation, and I love you like a son even though you’ve malfunctioned and now only say-
ROBOT: Fight me, dipshit
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Customer: can I pay with my phone?
Me: no we need dollars
Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Cats won’t give away your position when someone knocks on the door. They hide with you, like understanding furry ninjas.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?