ME: Can you have it fixed by Friday?
ABACUS REPAIR GUY: I wouldn’t count on it.
ME: I know. How about Friday?
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I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
*pushes vending machine over
NO YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
Never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry.
Also, don’t go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Jesus: *holding bread*
This is my body.
*holding wine*
This is my blood.
*holding a meeting* This could have been an email.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
I can count on three hands the number of times I failed math and anatomy.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Witch: *adding ingredients* Wilted flowers, lizard scale, raven’s breath, and a tear from a virgin.
Assistant: Are we making a potion for revenge?
Witch: No, I’m making La Croix
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Pregnancies really fly by when they are someone else’s
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
“We can’t hire you. We’re trying to get more diverse”
ME: But I’m Hispanic
[A bear walks in wearing a fresh Hooters outfit]
ME: Aw man
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest