Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
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Just because I’m smiling doesn’t necessarily mean that I like you. I might be picturing you on fire.
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
“My name is Robert and I support apples.”
— Bob for apples
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
[after a zombie encounter]
me: you gotta shoot me
friend: but what if we find a cure
me: *aware of how much zombies walk* please
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
There are no atheists in the passenger seat when I drive.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?