Give a man a fish and he’ll be like,
“Dude I’m allergic to fish.”
TEACH a man to fish and he’ll be like,
“THTOP I THAID IM ALLERGIC TO FITH”
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A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
SPOILER ALERT ~ In the new Mission: Impossible movie Tom Cruise runs and jumps a lot.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
According to the 25th Amendment, if the President is incapacitated, the Vice President becomes the executive producer of “The Apprentice.”
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
If I were a kidnapper, I’d drive around telling adults there’s naps in the van.
ME: let me try a yo-yo trick
DOCTOR: *cutting my child’s umbilical cord* no
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Yup
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
Spending the day removing $1.6 billion worth of stuff from my Amazon shopping cart.
So many pants.
So little yoga.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”