She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
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my retirement plan is braless
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
Tuesday be like “My name is Tuesday and I am not Monday in disguise”.
I wondered why everyone said I had “bed hair”, until I looked in the mirror and noticed a tiny mattress on top of my head.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
Tired of actually helping? Try prayer
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with his student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
Kid: “I want to be a doctor when I grow up.”
Mom: “You can’t. Your hands aren’t cold enough.”
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Sorry to interrupt your party, but I’m a little drunk and need to do the worm across your living room floor.
*interrupts dinner
“IS THAT CLOCK REALLY YOUR GRANDFATHER!?”
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
just saw someone my age running and she wasn’t chasing a pizza or an ice cream truck, day is ruined
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Beyonce made a song called “Single Ladies” then went home to her husband and left you lonely hoes dancing in a circle pretending to be happy
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
me: do you have spaghetti?
mcdonalds cashier: …no
me: would you like some?
[Eating canned soup]
OMG I love sodium.
Tartar, the sauce so nice they named it twice.
A solid knife fighting strategy is to move clockwise in increasingly larger circles until you reach a safe running distance.
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
You take the garbage out and forget to put a new liner in the kitchen trash can and your family throws garbage in anyway because team work.