@delusionaliam: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!
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@Sal0630: Me: Baby I know you had a long day so I drew you a bath Her: Ah I can't wait to take it *hands her paper* Me: I used your eyeliner pencil
@tastefactory: My computer keeps giving me an error message saying "The Printer Can't Be Found." Uh buddy it's RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
@UncleDuke1969: 2 Smurfs stand over a body... "What happened?" "Choked on a sandwich." "Nobody helped?" "No." "Didn't they see him turning bl-" "..." "Oh."