@delusionaliam: Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Give a fish a man, and it'll eat for weeks!
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@MelvinofYork: *watching tv Me: "Don't just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there's still time! God, I can't watch" Wife: (turns off wedding video)
@ConcernedSirGuy: People are like, "How cute! Your dog looks just like you!" I'm like, "That's my son."
@Kyle_Lippert: Sure reading a book under a tree is peaceful but imagine how stressful it is for the tree to see a bunch of it's dead friends in your hand.
@SwedishCanary: I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, "Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better".