My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
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if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
I hope my tombstone reads: Matrixed 9 out of 10 bullets.
I got pulled over for speeding just outside Atlanta. The cop asked why I was in town, I said to do stand up, he asked me to tell him a joke, I told a really dirty one, he didn’t give me a ticket. Honestly, one of my all-time highest paid stand up gigs!!!
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
me: h—
bearded guy with a black & white avi: she was the one that got away; a snowflake in an avalanche, and i was outside the snow globe looking in
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
In first grade when I’d tell my parents what I learned in class and they’d act amazed, I’d think “Shouldn’t you know this shit already?”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
I only block people that deserve it and those I don’t like because of completely made up scenarios.
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third