Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
I just did my own taxes for the first time and I’m glad I did because I’m getting 8 million dollars back this year!
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Me: *Eating eggs*
Fertility Doctor: That’s disgusting
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
Thinking about how if early humans had obituaries how many of them would just read, “He tried a new kinda berry.”
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
How funny would it be if NASA discovered a sign on Mars that read, “Congratulations humans, level 1 completed!”
You know that chick who said, “Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels?”…
Yeah, well I ate her.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I put on skinny jeans today and look like a watermelon on stilts