@robknepper: Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he'll eat for a lifetime.
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@DaddyJew: Cop: are you currently under the influence of any mind altering substances? Me: just that gorgeous smile of yours Cop: get outta here
@GrowlyGrego: Here, have my marionette set. "Cool. How much for it?" Just take it "For free? What's the catch?" No strings attached. "You son of a bit.."
@scorpicpanda: Actually, letting your dog run around the yard while wearing your Fitbit increases the numbers waaaaay better than putting it on your cat.
@Vodkantots: 3: Why are you putting on makeup, Mommy? Me: So I look less tired. 3: Why are you tired? Me: Because I'm a mom. 3: Why are you a mom? Me: 3: