Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day. Give a man who is dangerously allergic to fish a fish and he’ll eat for a lifetime.
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I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
My blood type is b hungry.
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
a female xylophonist is called a xxlophonist.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
My sister got that phone call from school that everyone fears… her kid has LICE, so she asked me what to do and I told her to pick up lots of wine because if she’s going to have lice then she might as well be drunk and have lice.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
“Easy Come, Easy Go” – My clinic name if I ever become a urologist.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.