Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
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Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
If anyone is looking for a nice restaurant that has a great menu and very polite staff, check out the one I went to with my parents and my sister in 2014. Can’t remember what it was called but it had a lovely ambiance and we were all very satisfied with our meals. Recommended 👍
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Truthful Tuesday: If a rapper raps about how much money he has then I download his music for free.
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
Everything on my bucket list comes with french fries.
Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are claiming to be tax inspectors & are issuing fines for €70 in “gullibility tax”. DO NOT PAY. Turns out there’s no such tax. When you go back to confront them, they say they can’t do refunds without a tax receipt. THEY NEVER GAVE ME A RECEIPT
7: Today in school we had to write 4 sentences about what we ate for breakfast his morning.
Me:
Him:
Me: I forgot to give you breakfast, didn’t I.
When you say married… Do you mean married married… or just married?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Things drunk me has in common with toddlers:
– no idea where my shoe is
– demands McDonalds
– won’t shut up about dinosaurs
– not allowed to have a whistle