Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
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Quarantine: stay inside where theres nothing to do and be sa-
Adderall & Craft Supplies: MAKE DUCKS
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Breaking: It’s snowing where some people live and not snowing where other people live. More about this in 10 minutes on Facebook News.
Me: *giving myself a little pep-talk to remind myself I’m doing my best*
Everyone Behind Me on the Fire Escape: *not really super supportive*
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
why I oughta
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.