Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Going viral is a great way to see that 50,000 people looked at your profile and thought, nah.
“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”
9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.
“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”
Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
FFS. A bunch of ants are making brunch plans and doing yoga,because I spilled my Pumpkin Spice Latte,
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.
That about sums up motherhood.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Celebrity Parent: You guys were named after awards I won.
Emmy: That’s cool.
Oscar: Wow, interesting.
Sag: You know, you did win a Tony…
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
My 4-year-old poked my gut and remarked, “Daddy, there’s a baby in there…?”
That was last night and I still haven’t recovered
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
Toaster: Things are getting hot…. real hot, I’m getting close.
Me:
Toaster: Ahhhhhh!!!! I popped…
Me: I don’t think I really want that waffle anymore.
HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I’m worried that if there is ever a fire at my house, my kids will ignore the smoke detectors and sit down at the dinner table.
If someone calls you a cutie pie, the correct response is “NO U.” Don’t reply with “thanks” who do you think you are