Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.
Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.
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The road to enlightenment always leads through the valley of morons.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
Son: My Jurassic Park game stopped working
Me: So, E reptile dysfunction?
Son:
Me:
Son: Where’s mom?
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Don’t tell me you got problems. This is a serious problem 😠
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
They did not miss in the small print
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
I need someone to pretend they’re coming round, so I will burst into life and actually clean this stupid house.
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
If I win the Powerball, I’m going to make golf illegal.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?