When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
You Might Also Like
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
Another wedding, another chance to show the family I still have a drinking problem.
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
[creating eyelashes]
God: Give them a row of stiff hairs to protect their eyes.
Angel: Alright.
God: But make the hairs occasionally turn traitor and try to destroy the very thing they’re supposed to protect.
Angel: Dude, wtf is wrong with you?
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
I’m going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
PLOT TWIST:
*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
YOUR MARCH HOROSCOPES:
Aries: Stay inside.
Taurus: Stay inside.
Gemini: Stay inside.
Cancer: Stay inside.
Leo: Stay inside.
Virgo: Stay inside.
Libra: Stay inside.
Scorpio: Stay inside.
Sagittarius: Stay inside.
Capricorn: Stay inside.
Aquarius: Stay inside.
Pisces: Stay inside.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no