Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
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Parent’s curfew with each child:
1st child: “be home by 10!”
2nd child: “alright you can stay out until midnight”
3rd child: “as long as I see you within 3-5 business days I honestly don’t care what time you’re home”I’m not mad ur mad
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
wife: Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?
toddler [whispers] Because that’s where the cheese is
me: Because that’s where the cheese is!
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
If only.
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
*checks pockets for phone 53 times before jumping in pool*
*skinny dips to be on the safe side*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Me: Man I love the eighties
Grandparents: We have names
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.
He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, except for bears, bears will kill you.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”