Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
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It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
The problem with this world is that they just let anyone in.
[filling out the date on important documents]
Brain: when I say June you write June!
Me: yeah!
Brain: JUNE!
Me: J̶A̶N̶ JUNE!
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
some people wear bees as beards you say? well that seems pretty foolish to me because I have had only one bee on my face and it is terrifying
sometimes my cat will figure out i’m gearing up to leave the house and block the door just before i go to leave, yelling and rolling around, but she never does it when i’m trying to leave for work which tells me one thing: capitalism got her too
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
Dance like you know what you’re supposed to do with your arms while dancing
I don’t know much about fashion. I assume a leotard is an idiot born between July 23 & August 22.
Beware of fowl play.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower
[First day as a waiter]
Customer: Are your burgers 100% certified ground beef?
Me: duh cow’s can’t fly you idiot
I bet to vampires we all just look like giant Capri Suns.
Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.