My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
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The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
My dryer is celebrating lint.
Brb my Sims are getting married
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
(any scene in a movie in which more than one person appears)
DAD: You couldn’t do that now. Coronavirus.
Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
evening walk in the woods with the grandkids…
Them: Pappy it’s really dark. We’re scared.
Me: You’re scared? I’m the one who has to walk home alone.
Ain’t no way
I suppose you can take my cold dead hand when you pry it from my warm live one and charge me w/unlawful possession of human remains
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Accidentally sent a guy a 😉 instead of a :), now one of us is probably pregnant.
I’d love to put a timer on how long it takes you to turn the conversation back to you but my stopwatch app doesn’t do tenths of a second.
How to get a woman:
1) find one who sells cars
2) take a test drive
3) just keep drivingShe’s yours now, plus you have a new car.
For a petite woman my wife snores like a downshifting Mack truck.