Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Last year I ate out alone on Valentine’s Day. To avoid embarrassment, I yacked the whole time with a lovely couple the next table over.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
Lunchables™? huge waste of money! I have my kids mill their own wheat then hunt, kill & field strip a wild bologna
*Cracks knuckles*
“Time to solve an international conflict with the worst takes you’ve ever seen in your life”
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My neighbors haven’t tried to interact with me since I swerved my car at them.
This feels like a win.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?