Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life.
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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I noticed you’re eating that bag of popcorn one piece at a time.
So how many people have you murdered?
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
Future generations will never have to live in unprecedented times, because we’re precedenting the Hell out of everything right now.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
lost my job at Red Lobster for saying crabsolutely too much
She was REALLY feeling it.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
If, by chance, I ever overthrow a government in an English speaking country, my first act as new leader will be to un-silence the p in coup.
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
Of all the millions and trillions of literary devices, hyperbole is my favorite.
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.