Give a man a six pack and he’ll drink for a day.
Give him a 24 pack and he’ll drink for a day.
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Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.
I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.
Him: How’d you get so cute?
Me: I-I-my gosh, I really don’t know. I’m not very good at biology.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
My teen said she’s too old to have a dance party with us but then asked for money, and now guess who isn’t too old to have a dance party with us?
4: okay, I will be Mario and you will be the goomba–
Husband: NO, no, you’re not jumping on my head.
4: *sigh* kay…
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
I’m sorry that during sex I yelled, “Sriracha!!” but you said to say something hot.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
The NFL has hired their first female referee.
She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”