@Macar00ny: Give a man a subtweet and he'll be like "is this about me?" Teach a man to subtweet you'll be like "is that about me?"
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@Parkerlawyer: *buys almond milk* "I'm gonna get healthy!" *drinks almond milk* "This is gross." *pours Hershey's chocolate syrup in milk* "Perfect."
@Smug_Lemur: Arguing w him is like playing Pictionary w/ the person who draws one weird little shape and just keeps circling it over and over and over.
@MelissaJoy33: I love being a mom. I just left the vacuum running in front of my teenagers door until he woke up. Should have done what I asked, lil shit!
@loribuckmajor: After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I'm like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.