The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
You Might Also Like
It reminds me of the time I walked in on my parents having sex and they tried to convince me they were lying on top of one another to see who was longer.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me.
Twitter: Hold my beer.
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I’m gonna stop you right there because you probably don’t want to know what I’m willing to do for a million dollars
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I know I shouldn’t be on top of this table singing Don’t Stop Believin’ loud, off-key, and wrong, but please know it’s because I love all of you. You’re my friends, my family, an-
~ Me, right before getting kicked out of Starbucks
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Please refrain from telling elderly election volunteers to “work that poll”.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Mom asked me what it’s like being a single middle aged woman so I took a handful of cat & dog hair from my purse and threw it in her coffee.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
I hate when I accidentally blow all of my leaves into my neighbor’s yard.
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I feel for any dog who’s owned by a homeless guy. The poor pooch must be thinking “Where does this guy live, we’ve been walking for 3 years”
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?