If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
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The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
There are two types of women: the ones who buy cute new clothes for a trip and the ones who pack old stretchy leggings and tops expecting full well to gain 5 lbs in 4 days, of which I am the latter
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
me hitting on a model
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
me: “okay I might as well just say it..I love you”
girl dinosaur: “omg u have no idea how long I’ve waited for u to say that!”
*meteorite*
The absolute effort that went into this omg
My boyfriend can shower and get ready to go to dinner in 20 minutes. It takes me 20 minutes to get ready to shower.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.