Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
*picks up the bagel again*
sorry i gotta take this one
*leaves office & talks on the bagel for 15 minutes solid*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
If a CW won’t take ownership of their mistake, the discussion about having them killed should at least be on the table, surely?
~ reason 153 why I’ve been asked to visit HR ‘for a chat’ this year.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house