@nishadtrivedi: Give a man an axe and he'll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he'll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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@jasonroeder: I don't think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we're both pointing at the same tornado.
@Reverend_Scott: [job interview] Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job? "Yes" WELL YOU'RE RIGHT.
@RobElliottComic: Mr. Buffalo: I caught my son making out with a girl Me: SWEET! Mr. Buffalo: And a boy Me: So, I guess you could say he's your... Bi-son
@minfiliawarde: me: hi english person: you mean you don't have SNELLYDORF HUFFLEDAMS? WHERE DO YOU PUT YOUR BROOKENSHIRES me: Aight man have a good day