@nishadtrivedi: Give a man an axe and he'll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he'll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
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@Leemanish: FOR CHRISSAKES, GARY - WE JUST ROBBED A DAMN BANK! THIS IS NOT THE TIME TO TEACH YOUR NIECE HOW TO DRIVE!
@LindaInDisguise: Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter. Him: Don't be discouraged. You'll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.
@Book_Krazy: Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I've had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
@Juicedballs: When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box