@NotJPo: Give a woman a compliment and you'll eat for a day. Force a woman to fish for compliments and she'll feed someone else.
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@Book_Krazy: * Kindergarten* Hi kids! I'm the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard] [Boy Raises hand] We can't read. No one can read
@CopBroughtPizza: "even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN'T kill." - my first and last day as a defense attorney
@gwatts77: Just ordered a pizza from Papa Johns online ordering system & it asked me if I had any instructions for the driver. Yes, "Bring weed, bro"
@thepunningman: [interview] Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread Me: That's right [cut to supermarket] Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?