#SaturdayBears
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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Passive aggressive has never been my thing, I prefer chasing you with a chainsaw.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
My worst case scenarios:
•A case falling on me.
•Being hit with a case.
•Being locked inside a case.
•Carrying a case for a long distance.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
ME: I’m a smart person who learns from my mistakes.
ALSO ME LITERALLY EVERY MORNING: *Brushes too far back on my tongue and almost throws up a little*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!