@goodballs: Give a woman an inch and she probably won't call you back.
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@Brianhopecomedy: My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
@Mitchoacan: Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
@david8hughes: [donating blood] Nurse: you're looking faint. Can I get you a drink? Me: no thanks, I've just had like 60 of those strawberry Capri Suns
@TheDailySchmuck: I can deal with shootings and police harassment. But it's January 4th and some maniac is playing Christmas music. Time to leave the ghetto