@goodballs: Give a woman an inch and she probably won't call you back.
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@duplicitron: Once at church I opened my eyes during prayer and saw Jesus riding around on a wolf making sure everyone’s eyes were closed.
@FatherWithTwins: Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you're going to have to play it 10,000 times
@SharkJelly: [At Adele Concert] Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide Me (shouting): Tell us your surname