If my girlfriend doesn’t start being nicer to me, I’m totally gonna bottle up my rage and stay in this shitty relationship for 2 more years.
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I put the h in mysterious.
Welp, wife didn’t appreciate the dishes in the sink being arranged in a heart shape.
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
There’s a serial killer in our house! Normal people: “CALL THE POLICE, LETS GET OUT OF HERE!” – In movies: “Lets go find him” -___-
[taking a knee]
Surgeon: Stop that woman!
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
N V B K I T H E K L O P F
I N V E N T O R Z S F O F
T H E E F G H J I O L P L
Y Q W O R D S E A R C H
H A S J P O D I E D G W
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
Maybe put an Apple Air Tag in your F-35 jets.
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
American: We’re really not that gun-obsessed.
Brit: Where did you get that t-shirt.
American:
Brit:
American: FROM A CANNON BUT THAT’S NOT THE POINT
[blind date]
Date: tell me about yourself in 6 words or less.
Me: I’m a creep, I’m a weirdo.
Date: [laughing] nice Radiohead reference!
Me: [laughing louder] what Radiohead reference?
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[Driving]
Wife: You missed a right.
Me: Thanks babe – you MRS right.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.