[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
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Found the job I’m suited for
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
This guy in my living room must think I’m an idiot, he says he picked my lock but I distinctly remember choosing it at the store by myself.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Her – I am like a beautiful flower. You will never do better than me.
Me – You are. But I think I am allergic to your pollen.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
8YO: If daddy grows his beard, he’ll look like a wizard
6YO: No, he’ll definitely look like a panda
the small neighbor human. stopped by the house after school. i guess they hate a thing called math. and really needed to tell someone. as long as they don’t stop petting me. i am a fabulous listener
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
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Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
my wife and i are having a hard time conceiving a highway so we’re considering adopting
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Maybe call your family “Team” for like 14 years. Then one day say “There’s no ‘I’ in team!” and move to a foreign country with a prostitute.
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*