Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
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I just found a human tooth and a pair of underwear in my purse. I might be a serial killer or I might be a mom, you’ll never know.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
When meeting someone new, there should be a grace period after which they tell us their names again
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
(business meeting)
*drops pen on the floor*
*bends over to pick it up*
*shirt comes untucked*
*all the jelly beans start falling out*
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Like The Shawshank Redemption except it’s just me at work chiseling a tunnel behind the “hang in there” cat poster for a more direct route to the vending machine.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
My kid asked for 2 kinds of chicken nuggets, and like a ROOKIE I put them on the same plate
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
When I was a kid, I used to flip my bike upside down and turn the pedals with my hands pretending it was an ice cream making machine. And that’s all you need to know about before online times.
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Imagine if Trump becomes President and we are invaded by aliens.
Alien: Take us to your leader.
America: *Looks ashamed* Are you sure?