Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
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Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
Noah
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
20YR OLD ME: awww yeah! a new car!
30YR OLD ME: aww yeah! a new Xbox 360!
40YR OLD ME: aw yeah! a new shower curtain with a mildew-resistant liner!
“What’s funny?”
The microwave beeping as you walked backwards.
“Why’s that funny?”
Because large objects beep going in reverse, Diane.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
My mom used to feed me soap as a reward for saying bad words.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
If the interviewer doesn’t think it’s cool when you pull a quarter out of his ear, the job wasn’t good enough for you anyways.
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
All the king’s horses and men stand over Humpty. Puzzled, they go back to reading the IKEA instructions.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating