Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
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[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I hate when my boyfriend’s snoring wakes me up and then I realize it was my snoring and I don’t have a boyfriend and I’m going to die alone.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
My favorite part of going to the bathroom are the little notes my 7yo slides under the door saying “we are hungry”
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
i hate when guys cancel a date after i’ve already shaved and then i have to spend all that time gluing it back on
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
*first date*
Her: I’m a criminologist.
Me, trying to impress: I have six bodies in my attic.
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
I met a girl at a club last night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
Not today
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.