Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
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Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
When my cousin came out as gay, his parents wanted him to see a psychiatrist.
Which is too bad.
Cuz he was already seeing a handsome lawyer.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Little known fact: Arizona’s state flower is pavement.
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
Why is my kitchen floor so gross I just mopped like 3 months ago.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*
JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic
This is a whole mood;
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Me: It’s cold out there today!
12: How cold?
Me: ICE COLD!
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright, alright
Alright, alright, alright, alright12: *sighs*
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Brain: “something is wrong”
Me: “what is it?”
Brain: “you gotta guess ”
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
me: “we put statues of you in every church and we all wear necklaces in your memory”
jesus: “they better not be of me dying on a cross”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”