If you’re on the fence about having kids, repeat “Put your shoes on, please” 100 times in a row until you’re in a blinding rage & see if it’s right for you.
You Might Also Like
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
Websites really should skip the log in screen and just go straight to the reset password screen.
M: Your cover gets blown on every mission, James. Perhaps you should use better aliases.
James Bond: I should use better what now?
It finally happened: someone asked me where the library was in Spanish. I’ve been training for this since high school.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Interior design 👌
Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
Fingers in her belt loops, I pull her in for a kiss. We topple backwards, her arm falls off and a voice shouts “don’t touch the mannequins!”
Plenty of tweets about normalize this and normalize that. Not enough about carmelizing this and that.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
In the beginning God said, “let there be light,” and my dad said, “my electric bill is going to be through the roof; do you think I’m made of money?”
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*horror movie
“The calls are coming from inside the house!”
“Can you find out from where? I want some chips but I’m too lazy to get up.”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
It’s great that interstates have rest areas. But things like Wednesdays really need rest areas too.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
m’lady
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror