GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
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“men are scared of powerful women,” I whisper to myself as my 14th tinder date of the month leaves me alone at the bowling alley with my hand stuck in the ball return machine
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Tween: Mom, can you take me to the mall to go to Abercrombie?
Me: Awe, I used to shop there when I was your age.
Tween: Nevermind.
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
girls don’t want boys, they want good hair days
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
I hugged my husband when he got home from work and he seemed nervous. I knew something was off. The scent on his shirt smelled familiar then it hit me he cheated on me with my favorite restaurant. He smelled like shame and garlic bread.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
accurate
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.