Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
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“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
People be all walking and sneezing openly like it is 2019
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
Hugh Jackman implies the existence of a small ackman
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
The cat seems really pissed off. He must have only had 22 hours sleep.
10yo: “I NEED my iPod!”
Me: “I’m sorry honey.”
10yo: “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND!”
Me: “You’re right sweetie. Mommy played w rocks when I was 10.”
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor’s ghost!
At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
I like going to the cemetery early in the morning because, if you’re calm and patient, the skeletons will approach and even eat right out of your hand.
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
In my 20s: jingle all the way
In my 40s: jingle til around six thirty
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Judge: plz tell the court what happened
Victim: he attacked me with this! [holds up pasta strainer]
Judge: that doesn’t hold any water
I ain’t afraid of no ghost, but I’m also not out here trying to start shit with them either.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.