Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
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[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Che: “Why do you want to participate in this guerrilla war?”
Me: [picturing myself leading an army of gorillas into battle] “Independence.”
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
one more hotdog left who wants it [jesus speed walks across jeff’s pool]
Wife: I read my mom that funny tweet you wrote.
Me: Don’t you mean THOSE funny TWEETS?
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: No. No, I don’t.
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
Taco Bell: Do you want hot sauce?
Me: [has entire drawers full of hot sauce packets] Yes please