Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
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[purge day]
*is not kind*
*does not rewind*
*returns overdue videos to blockbuster*
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
Lmao
I like to go camping so I can come home with a renewed appreciation for my house.
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
It is snowing perfect snowball packing snow right now, so I was wondering if anyone would like to walk slowly past my house?
My 3yo demanded I eat breakfast in bed this morning. Which I’m hoping is a good enough explanation when my doctor asks why I have a belly fully of plastic donuts and chicken thighs.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
Someone: Im in town!
New Yorkers: OMFG!! That’s so great! Have fun!!!!
Homosexuals please help me. I think my hamsters are gay. How do I let them know it’s okay?
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
that lip filler tho
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
The coolest thing ever would be someone writing a song about you. Unless in the song they called you a “roly-poly little bat-faced girl.”
Painting up my car like an orca and running limousines off the road
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first