My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
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[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
In every artist’s depiction of a meteor that caused the extinction of the dinosaurs, there’s always one T-Rex looking up at it like “That can’t be good.”
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
If you love something, set it free. If it comes back to you, then you love a boomerang.
You scream “SWEEP THE LEG!” one time and all of a sudden you’re “invited” to watch your kid’s wrestling match from the parking lot.
Please. My avocado. It is so sad.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Yoga Matt
Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
People need to stop posting denigrating photo memes of animals; they have dignity and deserve respect. Oh that’s Rick Santorum? Ok carry on.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Friend: Why are there 5 FBI agents sitting at desks in your bedroom?
Me: Ordered a small bureau on line and this is what they sent.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
2020 is vacuuming a penny, then a quarter, then a cat.
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…