Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
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Boss: You’re fired
Me: No YOU’RE fired
Boss: No
Me: Yeah
Boss: *starts sweating*
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
astronaut: houston we have a problem
houston: what is it?
astronaut: my wife left me
houston: we only deal with space problems
astronaut:
houston:
astronaut: my wife left me while I was in space
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Son: Dad?
Me: Yeah?
S: Do you have a plan for the ‘Zombie Apocalypse’?
M: Sure do.
S: What is it?
M: To run faster than you & your sister.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”
Why yes I could start my day without coffee but I’m too pretty for prison
5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My son just told me he wasn’t a huge chicken fan and I told him I too prefer normal sized chickens and then my wife called the cops.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.