“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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WAITER: whaddaya have?
DADDY: go ahead son, tell the nice man what you want to eat
TODDLER: *extreme slingblade voice* you got any o’them french fried puhtaters? mmhmm
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Watching movies with kids:
If he/she hasn’t seen it, eons and billions of questions.
If he/she has seen it, eons and billions of spoilers.
Duck typos.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
When you’re married, you’re part of a team, there’s checks and balances, two brains are better than one, you guys can bounce ideas off each other.
But being single means never having to explain what you spent $8,345.65 on or why there’s a baby kangaroo living in your house
[at a restaurant]
me: do you have a box I can put this in
waiter: the… the child?
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
VENOM: Time to meet your maker!
SPIDER-MAN: The radioactive spider?
VENOM: No, like-
SPIDER-MAN: My dad? Cuz he’s dead. Wow, ur a douche.
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
She was a very heavy smoker with a cough that curdled your blood.
Phlegm fatale, they called her.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME