“Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern.”
~ Me at McDonald’s on pay day.
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*walks into the funeral home*
*climbs into a coffin*
I’m ready when you are
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
Dance like you won’t be turned into a gif.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
trump may have a point about video game violence, ever since skyrim came out i’ve been climbing to high elevations and shouting bears off of cliffs and i don’t think it’s a coincidence
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Before you react, just know that everyone’s is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Literally everyone.
Dave’s out back punching a hornet’s nest. Monica’s wrestling her grandma in the bathroom.
Nobody knows why. It’s absolute chaos.
Wife: Your life insurance premium paid up?
Me: Yeah.
Wife: Good.
Me: Why?
Wife: No reason.
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Here, taste this.
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
*pulls all the hair out of my brush and places it all over my dog*
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Safari is a fancy word for voluntarily putting yourself at the bottom of the food chain
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Fighting fire with fire but in the marital bed we’re just fighting wind with wind
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
There can be a guy with neck tattoos and a knife in his hand on the bus and I will still be the last person anyone sits next to.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.