@MUMSIEesq: Give them a Cheesecake Factory gift card this holiday season so they know you "grocery store checkout line" love them
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@NicestHippo: She ate poison! We have to make her vomit! [everyone looks at me] [i roll my eyes and start getting naked]
@fro_vo: Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way Car Guy: this ain't Pedestria buddy this is America
@trentistweeting: [me trying to do magic] Is this your card? "No" Is THIS your card? "Not even close" What about THIS? "Trent thats literally a piece of ham"
@pudding_club: *calls mom* "Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today" *long pause* "Mom?" *mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears* "Mom?"