Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
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My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
[first day as a baker]
boss: WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT?
me: you said to make donuts
b: THAT’S NOT HOW WE MAKE THE HOLES!
m: oh… in that case you may want to avoid the cream-filled ones too
8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
every outdoor cat should be given a little cowboy hat and a gun
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Welcome to parenthood: where the laundry basket is always full and the threats are always empty.
When I was a kid I had to say “yes, sir” and “no, sir.” My son just threatened to call 911 because I’m making him eat a hotdog.
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
Cowboy outfits should be called ranch dressing.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”