Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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Me: *Trying to sneak to the fridge for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
April Fool’s Day pregnancy jokes stopped being fun when my parents started getting excited instead of scared.
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
“Huh?” – Wonder Woman
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Not tryin’ to brag, but my sex life is like a dormant volcano. It was fiery, but now it’s inactive. Also, I killed a bunch of villagers.
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[NYE]
ME: *wearing 2017 glasses*
OPTOMETRIST: *rubbing his temples* Stephanie your eyesight may be bad but you really only need one pair
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.
Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Toe: He just banged me into his dresser. Should I give him the most intense surge of pain he’ll ever experience?
Brain: Wait 2 seconds.
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*