By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
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Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
When life gives you lemons maybe think to yourself, “that’s really quite remarkable given how far I live from a climate capable of growing citrus.”
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.
Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
*knock on the door
Satan: Yes?
Santa (pissed): STILL getting your mail!
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
My daughter just finished watching Frozen so, counting today that’s 12,521,865,635,869 times since Tuesday
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME: [rocking out front row at a concert] Woooo
THIRD CELLIST: Please sit down
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.