@MikeOdenthal: Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I'm ok never handling a firearm.
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@TeaAndCopy: My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It's not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
@internetluke: [on phone with mom] SHE SAID YES!!!! "congrats, son" I asked her if she thought I was weird "Wait what?" She thinks I'm weird. We broke up
@_NTFG_: I party like a Rockstar. A very poor Rockstar who isn't in a band anymore and starts yawning by 9pm and just wants to be home drinking tea.
@plank_sinatra: What if toilet plumbing was really like those tubes at the bank and all the tubes just went to this one guy's house and he's really pissed
@rickolantern: Went to my niece's elementary school field day last week. I won every single event. Every. Single. Event.
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