Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
You Might Also Like
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
I was highly offended until I realised HR were calling me incompetent and not incontinent.
I’m going to put out a cologne for men who like dad jokes
I’m going to call it Pungent
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
☺️
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Kinda thick horizontal curvy line, two thinner curvy vertical lines, squiggly line, different thicker squiggly line
-Japanese spelling bee
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[guy who’s about to invent dates]
*eating a meal* what if I could disappoint someone else at the same time?
“Anyone can find the switch after the lights are on.”
– Confucius, who died in 479 BCE and was apparently also a time traveler
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light