Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
SHOUTS OUT TO UTERUSES, THE ORIGINAL 3-D PRINTERS
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
this will hang in the louvre one day
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
Shampoo, conditioner, and body wash are the condiments of showering and we are the hot dogs and hamburgers.
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance
– My stages of getting ready for work
I’ll bet the guy who invented the snooze button never invented anything else.
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
do you feel like your mouse is heavier when you’ve copied something and lighter again once you’ve pasted it or are you normal?
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Welcome to parenting, “your kid bangs his head while sneezing and it is somehow your fault.”
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.