@Izianikapani: Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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@HansGrubertron: [Fancy restaurant] DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants ME: *way too loudly* THERE'S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
@goldengateblond: I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
@SuperRandomish: Coworker: "How'd you get that cut above your eye?" Me: *Remembering dropping my phone on my face* "STOP ASKING ME ABOUT FIGHT CLUB!"
@StellaRtwot: I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can't find me drinking in the closet.