@Izianikapani: Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
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@werehedgehog: Don't go chasing waterfalls. *turns on tap* We have their children. They will come to us.
@mjkspeaks: [at airport] TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search. ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
@Ristolable: I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support