Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
Creator of Etch A Sketch:
We’ll show people drawing murals in the commercial but in reality most people will only be able to draw stairs.
Ever since my boss discovered my Twitter account, these drug tests are seeming a lot less ‘random’.
What the dentist sees
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.
ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.
GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”
ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:
5. Winds
4. Flooding
3. Power outages
2. No pizza delivery
1. Wet socks
Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone’s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.