Given that our animals have pockets I think we can agree that Australia is more evolved than the rest of the world.
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The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
FRIEND: What’s your type?
ME: In guys or in blood?
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
Which wines pair best with gloating?
Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
[at store]
Salesperson: May I help you?
Me: Yes, I need something really nice that my wife can exchange next week
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
oh shit
landlord is raising our rent 9.5% I think I’ll start burying all of my garbage in the backyard
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
*Sitting at Gate*
Airport Wifi- All settled in? Feeling productive?
Me- Yep, why?
Airport Wifi- Cool, let me just drop ou…
*closes laptop*
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I’m gonna be honest. Even after the vaccine I’m only gonna wanna hang out with 3 of you.
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.