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@Lazer_Cat_: *gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
@nettie0918: That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it's still the same principal that had to call your parents.
@jergarl: Wife:Did you take ambien last night?
Me: *recalls riding a unicorn that's on fire*
W:The dog's wearing a saddle and she's orange.
@TheBoydP: Drink like a fish and you'll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you'll never feel like one...
@aedison: We've all been talking about your paranoia.
@MyHairyLife: My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.