*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
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I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Crabs always look like they’re walking themselves out of an awkward situation.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
“23 and Me” is how Leonardo DiCaprio RSVPs for events.
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Dear Diary,
I fear for my sanity. Just today I started talking to a blank book.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
THIS IS NOT A FINANCE ACCOUNT. I DO NOT HAVE ANY TRADING ADVICE.
HEDGES-STOCKS IS MY SURNAME.
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
The flight attendant asked if I’d like some wine and I said no but my kids would they need to sleep and she looked shocked so anyway I may have a date with cps upon landing
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
The horror when you realize you’ve drunk DMd a picture, the relief when you see it’s you holding your neighbor’s new puppy.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
My boyfriend said that I’m more than enough woman for him, and now I’m mad because I think he called me fat.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.